We Are Not Amused
by Unknownnobody32
Summary: Learning Clint's at the tower visiting Tony and the gang, Natasha drops by as well and gets Pepper's help locating the group. Together, both women overhear a tasteless bit of "locker room talk" among Clint and the other guys and of course things get really awkward and tense.
**A/N** _:_ _So I recently found this crazy little fic draft buried in my documents. Seems it had sat there for almost a year or more unedited but complete since I never found the time to finish proofreading. I did find time this week however, so I'm uploading it now. Mind you, it was written way before CA:CW so it ignores any recent canon events._

* * *

"I'm sorry you couldn't have joined us for lunch, Natasha." Pepper had been saying as she led the assassin down the hall.

"Oh, I've eaten already, but thanks for the invite. I really only stopped by 'cause I heard Clint's at the tower for the weekend. I figured we could catch up."

"Ah yes, he thought it would be a perfect time to drop in with Laura and the kids visiting their grandmother." Pepper recalls, making a left for the elevators. "If you're looking for him, I sent Maria to have Tony sign off on something a while ago, so Clint should still be down in the workshop with him and Dr. Banner."

There's a ding a few feet away from the women and the elevator doors opened to reveal Maria Hill herself.

Spotting her former colleague, she steps off the lift with a smile. "Hey Romanoff! You know you missed our luncheon by about an hour."

"So I've heard." Nat chuckles.

"Thank you, Maria." Pepper says as she accepts the binders handed to her. "Tell me, is Mr. Stark still in his workshop with the others?"

"Probably not. I overhead them say they'll be joining Thor and Steve in the Rec room. Oh, since Rogers is here, would you like me to run by your desk and grab those extra gallery tickets you promised him?"

"That won't be necessary. I've spoken with Steve earlier over the phone so I already have the tickets on me. I'll be heading his way shortly."

"Alright. If that will be all Miss Potts?"

"Of course, Maria, thanks again."

Both Pepper and Natasha receive a parting nod from the brunette before she whisks away, then, with a glance at Natasha, Pepper motions toward the elevator. "Shall we?"

* * *

"Mmm, just look at the size of those!" Exclaimed Tony.

He was standing in the middle of the room with a StarkPad clutched in one hand. The four other men crowd round him and grunt in approval after taking a look at whatever was on screen.

It was just then that Miss Potts brought Natasha to the side entry of the Rec Room undetected.

"And _that_ gentlemen is why I'm a breast man." Tony concludes, receiving a quiet huff of disagreement from Steve.

"Seriously Stark?" He interrupts.

Pleased, Nat shares a smirk with Pepper from their post in the doorway: bless Cap for always putting Stark in his place.

"I prefer legs myself." Steve tacks on, much to the women's astonishment. "Especially those really thick ones. My mouth's already watering."

Here, Pepper has to stifle a gasp. She knew Tony and expected him to be a little crude at times. But Steve? She was surprised he'd even join such conversation.

"But there is nothing as delectable as the thighs." Thor suddenly declares, his rumbling voice pitched low in a hum of delight. "Would you not agree Doctor Banner?"

Finally Miss Potts takes a small step forward, intending to make their presence known before things got anymore obsense, but Natasha silently blocks her with one hand. _This_ she just had to hear.

She restrains her just in time to catch Bruce's noncommittal shrug.

"I like it all... breasts, legs, thighs...as long as they're uh… proportional I suppose. Is that the right word?"

"So you're an equal opportunity kinda guy? I can respect that." Replies Clint, "But that 'proportional' business doesn't make much of a difference to me." Barton adds as he extends an arm over Tony's to scroll through something on the device.

Tony relinquishes over his command of the StarkPad to Clint and nods, "Yep, lean legs with meaty thighs is just as satisfying. I do prefer mines of the hot variety though. "

Bruce grimaces, "I actually like mines on the plain side. When they're hot they sort of—"

"Intimidate you?" Offers Tony with a teasing grin, "S'kay Bruce, that happens to the best of us."

Bruce says nothing, but smiles discreetly at his double meaning.

"Indeed, I agree." Thor begins, in reply to Stark's previous statements. "I find the presence of one makes up for the lack of the other."

"Maybe we should…" Pepper begins to whisper, but Nat shushes her again.

It was getting way too good to break up now, or perhaps it was just getting worst, depending on how you looked at it.

Meanwhile the god casts eyes on Steve as if hoping he'd find another of like mind.

"Hey, don't look at me. I won't sacrifice legs for thighs. Regardless of their size."

Tony rolls his eyes, "Fine, enjoy your mouthwatering legs, but you gotta admit, Arm and Hammer has a point."

Clint's guffaw interrupts this exchange, "You're all wrong! Presenting exhibit A: superior in every way and a favorite among most guys, I might add."

Grin smug, the archer positions the screen so his fellow teammates could see. Unfortunately, the group of men didn't seem as impressed, if their impassive expressions were anything to go by.

"There's not much to 'em." Is all Steve says.

"Maybe legs and thighs aren't everything." Bruce muses out loud.

"I am afraid I must agree with our Captain," Admits Thor, "They leave much to be desired."

Tony just snickers, "This would be _your_ pick, Hawkeye."

"And you call yourselves men!" Clint retorts in disappointment, "How can you look at these and not salivate? How can not want to…"

Clint's defense was cut off by a clearing of throat from the doorway causing all male eyes to fly to Natasha.

When she speaks, no one could deny the chill that went through out the room.

"When the women are away the men will play. Would you say that's true Pepper?"

"It certainly seems to be the case here." Pepper rejoins, her tone radiating disapproval.

"Why do I get the feeling we're all in trouble?" Tony quietly asks no one in particular.

"That was quite the debate you _gentlemen_ were having." Continues Natasha, her emphasis on gentlemen sarcastic. "So Barton," Green eyes lock on Clint from across the room and she strides toward him with purpose. "Does the missus know you're here hanging with the guys, objectifying pictures of…"

She snatches the tablet away to finally reveal the object of their lust.

"Chicken wings?"

"Ha-ha Nat, you crack me up." Comments Clint dryly. He assumed she was joking, though she wasn't making much sense either way.

"Lame jokes aside, I'm actually glad you're here. Could you please tell these losers that deep fried wings are the best?"

Natasha glances back at Pepper to see if she'd missed anything, but no, apparently Miss Potts looked as perplexed as Natasha felt.

"You mean you guys have been discussing fried chicken this whole damn time?" Natasha finally asks through gritted teeth.

"Of course, we're trying to decide on a chicken dinner for takeout. Why? Got an order for us?"

"No… no, I think I need something else. Like a stiff drink. 'Cuse me boys." Without another word, Natasha makes for the exit, but not before shoving the StarkPad back at Clint's chest.

Looking somewhat embarrassed, Pepper excuses herself and escapes behind Natasha. Clearly she forgot all about the art gallery tickets she had promised Steve.

An awkward silence passes between the confused men until Tony eventually speaks.

"Sooo… a variety bucket then?"

"Yea."

"Aye."

"Sure."

"Yep."

* * *

 **A/N** _:_ _*snickers* Yea… I don't even know what inspired this one. Sorry, not sorry! *hides*_


End file.
